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advice on being in love with a guy with a girlfriend

I have been in love with this guy for a year and half. It’s complicated because when I met him I was basically dating his friend and then realized that he was basically my soulmate but he also had a girlfriend in the friend group. They broke up this summer but he immediately started dating his co worker. I don’t get to see him as much as I’d like but one night we saw eachother and we basically admited and told each other we’ve always had feelings for eachother. Since then we text here and there, I think it’s his attempt to keep in touch, but since he’s not single still it’s hard because he works with the girl he’s dating. I know he sounds like a douche or something but he’s actually a really sweet guy and the situation he is in is a lot more difficult than it sounds because of all of the people involved. I know I should probably just tell him how I feel and I have deeply considered the possibility that I’m obsessed with someone I don’t have but the reality is I know that i can’t help how I feel and he is one of the most special amazing humans I’ve ever met.. what should I do?

You’re going to hate my response. I’m so sorry in advance. You’re really, really going to hate what I’m about to say.

Let me start by telling you a story, so you can better understand why I have the opinion I have.

Hi, my name is Alex. And once upon a time, I had a guy that at the time, I knew in my heart was my soulmate. He was one of my good, good friends. I met him sophomore year of high school, and our friendship stood the test of time, between going to college and living in different cities.

He and I would often FaceTime, and ALWAYS hung out when we were both in the same town. And, god, everytime we hung out, it was like no time had passed. He made me laugh and feel really good, and I felt like I had a connection with him like no other. I could talk to him about anything and everything.

Except for my feelings about him.

I was so scared to tell him. In my heart, I felt we were meant to be, but distance or timing or something was always keeping us apart.

Then one day, we got drunk together.

It was his 21st birthday, and he was back home for a week to celebrate with friends. And celebrate, we did. I got drunk, and everyone got drunk, and it was a mess. His parents got him a hotel room for the night, so we all ended the night together there. 

That’s when he asked me if we could go for a walk.

It started out innocent enough. We were just talking and laughing as usual. Then he said to me, “You know I’ve always had feelings for you, right?”

Wait… what?

I think I made him repeat and clarify what he meant. No, I didn’t fucking know. I knew I had feelings for HIM, but I didn’t know it was so reciprocated. 

I’ll spare you all the details, but we kissed and slept together in a bed, and it was all pretty PG.

So the next day, I’m like… holy fuck. That happened, you guys. What the fuck? Am I… am I getting married?

That day went by, and I never heard from my good ole friend. Another day went by, and I didn’t hear from my pal. Another day went by, and… am I being ghosted? By him, of all people? What the FUCK?

And, holy fuck. Even as I type this again, I can’t believe it’s real. Please buckle up for what I’m about to say.

A few days after, with almost ZERO communication from him in between, I decided to go to Pacific Beach with some friends. So there I am, at the crowded but reliable PB Shore Club, and I’m at the bar waiting to get a drink. I’m soaking in everything around me. You know, just vibin’. People watchin’. That’s when I spot him.

That’s right. My friend, the guy who admitted he “always” had feelings for me just days before, then proceeded to act like I didn’t exist. There he was, snuggled up with his high school girlfriend. 

I’m not here to talk about how long I drunkenly cried that night. I’m not here to talk about how I wrote about this ordeal in my not-so anonymous dating blog, causing him to get mad at me. I’m not here to talk about how we haven’t talked since, even though I thought he was one of my best friends. I’m not even here to talk about how he got back together with his high school girlfriend and is still with her to this day, causing me to believe he wanted to just fuck around with my feelings before getting back in a relationship.

I’m here to tell you: Fuck this guy. He doesn’t like you.

I know you are analyzing everything about your relationship with him. And I know there are signs he likes you and signs he cares about you. I’m not denying that.

But he has a girlfriend. If he wanted to be with you, he would. It sounds so cliche, and I know it’s the last thing you want to hear, but I would be doing such a disservice to you if I sat here and worked through different scenarios with you on why he isn’t pursuing you.

He’s not interested. He’s with someone else. He’s with someone else for a reason.

Listen, I’m clearly still somewhat bitter and hurt about my personal situation, because I never thought anyone, let alone a good friend, would intentionally hurt me so badly. But he certainly wasn’t my soulmate.

My soulmate would love me. My soulmate would never hurt me. And my soulmate would choose me every single time.

And guess what? He does. I found him. And my heart never would have been open to him if I never had a clear ending with that other fucker.

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