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advice on losing your job and relationship at the same time

Alex hewwo 😦 This week has basically been the worst ever for me. Like ever. So on Monday I received news that I’d be laid off from my job. And tonite, me and my boyfriend of four months, whom I actually did love, just broke up (it was a long time coming I suppose). Long story short it was due to his unavailability and overall lack of drive to do even the most basic relationship-y things and think longterm. I’m pretty heartbroken. To make things worse he was my first real boyfriend (with the title, I mean). Anyways I’m super depressed and sad. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this all considering the lockdown especially because I live alone and shit gets sad. I need advice on how u would deal w and honestly just some encouraging words. Plus I know you’ll make me laugh! Anyways yes keep doing what ur doing 💕

I’m bumping this one to the TOP of my inbox, because I think this one is so important to address as soon as I possibly could. I wanted to answer it last night when I got it, but my boyfriend made me watch Nacho Libre with him. I fell asleep to it. That’s beside the point.

Thank you so much for writing in. It takes a lot to be vulnerable about stuff like this, and I appreciate you trusting me to give you advice on this. 

First, your job. God, that’s so difficult and hard and awful. I think the most important thing you need to note is that this decision had absolutely nothing to do with you or your work ethic. I know it’s easy to blame yourself and run through different scenarios, but the truth of the matter is, we’re in a pandemic. I don’t know how your workplace was, but I’m sure they fought to keep you and ultimately had to make the very difficult call.

It sucks, it REALLY sucks, but it might help to know how many other people are getting laid off at this time. I’ve seen the most talented and hardworking people I know, whether they tell me personally or I see it on Instagram or LinkedIn, get laid off. You’re among some other greats. 

Take this time to give yourself a break. Maybe create just for the sake of creating. Or don’t! Listen to your body and do what she needs to do.

Second, your relationship. God, I’m so sorry. Let me relate as best as I can.

I got my first actual boyfriend at the beginning of junior year of college. It was such a wild thing, because I had never liked someone and actually had them… like me back? Weird! I was so fascinated with the process that I probably became obsessed with love and dating after that. Oops.

Anyway, we became official, and for a while, it felt so good. I had someone who thought of me when they woke up, and thought of me when they fell asleep. He sent me texts throughout the day. He wanted to spend his free time with me. I mean, how cool, right?!

I had someone to go on dates with. I had someone to watch movies with. I had someone to cuddle and kiss and show affection to. 

Honestly, it felt so good.

Until it didn’t.

I was so clouded by a romanticized version of him, that I had no idea what our relationship actually was like. We fought all the time. I didn’t feel like I could talk to him. Honestly, hanging out with him? Not that fun. Didn’t feel that comfortable. I much preferred my friends, but I just thought I had to spend all this time with him because he was my boyfriend.

One day, he broke up with me. (In the fucking Love Library at San Diego State, mind you. I mean, what the actual fuck?) 

God, I hadn’t expected it. Even though I really should have, I hadn’t. And I cried. A LOT. I even wrote a 2,000-word memoir about our relationship (that you can read here) and emailed it to him despite all my friends strongly advising me not to. (I was like, fuck y’all, this is all I HAVE, and did it anyway. I don’t regret it.)

It took a few days of crying, with some more weeks feeling sad, and then I was, well… fine? 

I was able to look back and realize I was NOT meant to be with him. There was infinitely more bad than good in our relationship. I really just loved the idea of him and the idea that I was that girl in a relationship.

Every relationship is different, and I’m sure yours was more happy and serious than mine was. 

I know you love him, but one day you’ll love him for showing you everything you didn’t want in a relationship.

You asked me how I would deal with all this. I would cry. (A lot, but that’s just me.) I would allow myself time to grieve. I would write down my feelings. I would watch movies and shows that make me feel safe and comfortable. I would reach out to friends and family and force myself to get some social interaction. I would sleep as much as I needed to, but I would make sure I go outside and get sunlight. And, honestly, I would get on dating apps as a funny distraction. Because men are insane.

I hope this helps, even if only a little. Please know you can always, always, ALWAYS reach out to me if you need it.

P.S. I know who sent this in.

And I just want to tell you what an incredible person you are.

I know this is such a hard time, but you’re talented and sincere and intelligent and amazing. Allow yourself time to grieve. You will get through this.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.

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