advice on sliding into a TikToker’s DMs

So my therapist pointed out that I’m apparently too mature for my own good and find dating trivial. While she didn’t have to read me for filth like that, she’s not wrong. Honestly I don’t like the idea of dating and would rather just jump into a relationship but obviously that’s not going to happen. Any tips?

ALSO (a 2 parter sorry) there’s this TikTok guy who’s adorable and lives in the city and I’d like to get to know him but due to my anti dating predicament and having the “slide into the dm’s” skills of an 84 year old with a Nokia 3310, I’m at a loss.

Thank you for your question! First of all, I LOVE a therapist who tells it like it is. Once mine told me I was incredibly self-aware after I just finished dragging myself. Queen shxt! 

Anyway, I love this question. I think there are so many different components that come into play when it comes to dating, which is why it can seem like, well, a nightmare to a lot of people.

There’s the whole meeting with someone new. And the potential rejection. And the ~game~ of it all. Dating doesn’t seem too inviting considering the way most of us do it now is over an app that judges people in seconds based on a couple photos and a 150-word bio.

I get it’s not ideal (for most… I, however, love the drama), especially in times like this. I would start by asking yourself what exactly about dating is it that you don’t like? Is there anyway you’re able to bypass that part all together?

For example, say you hate having to swipe through the apps and message a bunch of people. I won’t act like apps aren’t (unfortunately) almost necessary for dating, especially during quarantine right now, but you don’t have to be on multiple ones or ones that force you to continuously scroll. Hinge could be a good option since people’s profiles give more of a look into who they are, and if you really didn’t want to, you don’t have to swipe through people and can instead wait for them to like you.

Plus, I would make it clear that you’re looking for a relationship, if that’s what you want. I know when I was still single, I didn’t necessarily want a relationship at the time, so I talked to way more people just because I was bored and wanted to, not because I liked them. You’ll get to avoid a lot of the games and waste-of-time aspect of dating if you decide on what you want and date with intention.

Okay, onto TikTok guy. Let me just say: I LOVE this. I’m very pro-sliding into the DMs, since that’s how my boyfriend and I first started talking. I remember saying, “FUCK IT!” and messaging him on Twitter that I had a dream we were in love, then immediately putting my phone facedown on the table and not checking it for 30 minutes because I was SCARED. It’s terrifying, yes, but my philosophy on making the first move is you’ll either get a reply or you won’t. And if you don’t, you’re already not getting a reply by not messaging anyway, so there’s no harm. 

The fact that you both live in the same city makes it even easier to make that initial contact. Do you have anything in common, whether it’s friends or your profession or interests? Just message him something that you both can relate on. If you can’t think of anything, you could message him a question about one of his TikToks just to get a conversation going. 

Good luck with everything! Hey, maybe you two can create one of those “AND IT WENT LIKE” relationship TikToks in the future!!!!! I’m excited to one day see it on my For You page.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.


advice on uncircumcised penises

Found out the guy I met virtually during quarantine is not circumcised. I don’t know what to do now, but I know it’s safer if they are and I’m not very comfortable with that!

Thank you for submitting this question! I got some new questions from going ~viral~ on Twitter (okay, only two), but it’s given me that push I needed to write.

Sure, being stuck on my toilet because of a UTI and avoiding writing something I’m on assignment for has helped too, but whatever!!!!

Okay, uncircumcised pernises. Let’s get into it.

First of all, unfortunately, this question is even a question asked because of our lack of sex education growing up. I don’t blame you at all for asking it — I’ve been very open (too open?) about the fact that I had no idea what a penis even looked like until I was 20. 

If we got proper sex education, we would know how normal and common uncircumcised penises really are. According to this study, it’s estimated that only 37 to 39 percent “of men globally are circumcised”. In the United States, “about 60 percent of boys” are circumcised at birth, per Planned Parenthood.

The only true difference between circumcised and uncircumcised penises? Some skin. 

There’s a lot of misconception and flaws in research that have given uncircumcised penises a bad rep. Darcia Narvaez, Ph.D. can explain it a lot better than I can in her article here

Of course, people with uncircumcised penises can come into trouble without proper hygiene, but couldn’t you say the same for anyone?

As for just the ~aesthetics~ and inner workings of it all, uncircumcised penises function exactly the same as circumcised penises. When you’re going to have sex with someone with an uncircumcised penis, nothing is different, I promise!

Wow, I never thought I would say uncircumcised penis so much in one post. UNCIRCUMCISED PENIS. Okay, I’m done.

I’ll leave you with this: My boyfriend is uncircumcised, and sex is still 11/10.


advice on a Zoom first date

I matched with this guy on hinge and we have been chatting/texting for over a week. The conversation seems really natural and it doesn’t hurt he is cute. I asked him to do a zoom date (cause I don’t have an iPhone lmao #notpoor just #unique) and he is down for this weekend! I am usually so good on first dates, confident, love the qwirkness (#imquwirky) love the bashful smiles, and know how to keep a conversation alive (if I’m still interested of course #famous) but I need some tips for my first ZOOM DATE!!! Is it weird that I feel it’s almost more personal? Any help is appreciated 😘

My first advice is to get an iPhone. What are you doing out here with an Android?

Just kidding. Kind of.

Okay, I’m very excited for you! I honestly think I would feel the EXACT same way if I were dating during this quarantine. To me, there’s something so fun and thrilling about a first date. The body language. The evening being spent with someone you don’t even know. The thrill of whether or not he will text the next day. It’s INCREDIBLE.

Zoom dates just seem… scary?

This is coming from someone who hates phone calls and FaceTiming with a deep and intense passion. Pre-quarantine, I wouldn’t FaceTime someone unless it was absolutely necessary. I wouldn’t call someone unless it was work related or my mom. There’s just something about connecting in that way that seems so AWFUL. How do I hang up? How do I make situational jokes? I can’t do anything I deeply desire to do!

With everything going on, I’ve had to get good at it. I’ve attended Zoom parties with friends. I’ve connected with family I haven’t seen in months or even years on video chat. I’ve even had to record my podcasts in this way.

And now? I still hate it. But I’ve gotten better, and it’s our new normal.

If you love first dates normally, you will learn to love Zoom dates, too. Mostly because you have to. But it’s great to know that more than likely, the person you’re going on a date with is going to be more nervous, because of the video chat aspect AND the first date aspect. So you’re winning.

My best advice I can give is to have a drink first, wear your favorite outfit and have a plan to end the call early in case you need to. Tell him that you need to watch a movie with your family or take out the dog. Any excuse works, really.

You got this. Let me know how it goes!!!!

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.


advice on a possible cheating boyfriend

Hey Alex,

So I need advice. I’m currently in a relationship of 4 years. Me and my boyfriend have been “open” with each other and have given each other our phone passcodes. Idk why but I recently saw him messaging an old friend (a girl) on Facebook who I’ve had spoken to him about in the past. Me being somewhat insecure because of the way I grew up….my dad always cheating on my mom. Most recently he cheated on her over a year ago with an old family friend who took care of me when I young. Also, my older brother cheated on his pregnant wife and got the other girl pregnant, and my other brother has also cheated on his girlfriend of 7+ years. So yes I am insecure PLUS he “cheated” on me in the past. (Which he has always denied) I put cheated in quotation marks because he has always denied it and I never found out until a year after when mutual friends told me. (I was mad at my friends too because they never told me sooner) Anyways, so I saw from over his shoulder that he was talking to her on Facebook. He’s a nurse so I’m alone at the house 3 times a week and one night I was able to log into his computer (which he also gave me the password to) and saw his conversation with her. And it was innocent, they were catching up, he kept mentioning me and sharing my recent work accomplishments. And my insecurity left. But just last night he left his phone next to me as he went to take a shower. Curiosity got the best of me and I looked. And I saw that the messages he had with that friend in Facebook was deleted and they started a new conversation with him giving her his phone number again. So then I go to his messages and he said “you deleted the Facebook messages?” She responded “yeah, I don’t want my boyfriend looking and thinking something” my boyfriend responded “even the photos?” She said “yeah I don’t want people looking at our messages ” He then said “I miss you” she was like “well we should hang out and go on a double date. I have a boyfriend and you have a girlfriend. Is she still jealous?” He was like “she went off on me because I liked a bikini picture of you” she said something like “damn toxic” he then said “she’s working on her jealousy” .

They ended the conversation with I’ll talk to you later. 

Again he knows why I’’m so insecure and why I don’t trust him. About the bikini pic. I confronted him about liking her “booty bikini pic” (I still have it on my phone) he knew I was mad and was like “I’m sorry, I understand if you wanna break up with me” and started crying. He then proceeded to take out a Pandora charm he bought with the words “I love you” and explained how he was going to give it to me. (It was the first time he ever said I love you to me) But now we are here. I feel like I should say something to him BUT he knows that I’m jealous and she does too. I just want to know what they were texting each other and why they had to delete it. I was also thinking of texting her and being like I don’t like how your texting my boyfriend these things then deleting them? Idk what to do?! Please help.

Thank you so much for sending this in. This is a tough situation, and I know it can be difficult to share it with others.

Before I address what’s going on with your boyfriend, I want to talk a little bit about your family background and how it has affected you. You have had to watch and experience trauma after trauma of cheating first hand with people you love. The relationships in our family we grew up around will directly impact the way we see relationships. So many factors go into how we treat our relationships as adults, but it’s completely understandable why you don’t feel secure in your relationship given what you’ve had to see. (You may find looking into attachment styles can provide a little clarity and explanation on why that is.)

Now, with your boyfriend… God, I’m so sorry I have to do this, but seriously, fuck him. For him to have “cheated” on you in the past and pretend like it didn’t happen, even given everything you’ve gone through, it’s very clear there’s a lack of respect on his end in this relationship. For him to talk to her behind your back, knowing FULL well how you feel about their relationship, he’s knowingly breaking your trust. 

I notice you use language like “insecure” and “jealous” to describe how you’re acting. I’m not sure if this is language you’ve labeled yourself or if this is something he’s called you, leading you to believe that’s what you are, but please know that there’s absolutely no reason why you should believe you’re any of those things. You wouldn’t be experiencing this overwhelming feeling of jealousy if he wasn’t actively doing something to betray your trust. Both partners in a (monogamous) relationship should be doing everything that can to make the other feel safe and respected. It sounds to me like there’s an imbalance here, and he’s at fault for that.

Best case scenario, he’s having fully platonic conversations with this woman. Even if that’s the case, he’s still going behind your back to talk to her. He’s still talking negatively about you to other people. You still don’t trust him completely, or you wouldn’t feel compelled to look through his phone.

You’re unsure if you should even bring this up to him because “he knows that (you’re) jealous.” But if you’re in the right relationship, you shouldn’t be afraid to tell someone how you’re feeling because you think they’re going to judge you. 

I’m so sorry to be biased but… God, the more I think about this, the more I dislike your boyfriend.

Whatever you do, I wouldn’t recommend messaging her. If you really, really feel compelled to, do so only after talking to your boyfriend. She isn’t the one to blame here. Depending on what their communication ultimately is, she may be partially at fault, but your boyfriend is the one blatantly disrespecting you and your trust.

If I were you, I would ask your boyfriend about it. Use “I” statements, ask him openly to explain the situation, and don’t apologize or let him make you feel bad for what he’s done. 

And, if I were you, I would let this conversation seriously determine whether or not you want to continue a relationship with him.

I can’t tell you what to do, and I only know one or two situations from the entire four years of your relationship together, but I would seriously implore you to decide if you’re truly happy and comfortable with him.

Magazine Psychology Today shared a post on Instagram with six signs it’s better to end a relationship. Sometimes an Instagram post can say it better than I can.

Good luck, and I want you to know I’m thinking of you.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.


some personal news: I hate writing ✨

Not actually. Not really. But sometimes, yes.

I haven’t been writing on this website or in general as much as I wanted to. I mean, we’re in a pandemic, and I know every Instagram therapist says we should really be forgiving ourselves right now. And it’s true. We should.

But my type A personality and excessive need for achievement makes me think I really need to be churning out all this content for me to feel like everything is normal.

Newsflash to me and anyone else who might need it too: Right now is not a normal time. Forgive yourself.

So if I am in the mood to write, I will allow myself to write. But if I’m in the mood to eat multiple packets of blueberry Pop Tarts and play Neopets for hours on end, I’m going to let myself do that too.

I promise to everyone who submits to this website that I WILL get to your questions and stories. I will. But I might play some Neopets first.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.


advice on dealing with body image, commitment and abandonment issues

To be honest, not much is happening in my love life right now.

I have a dating app installed on my phone, but I genuinely haven’t touched it in over a year (i.e. no sex or even talking). I was sexually active and constantly swiping 2 years ago, but I stopped feeling the need to be on it? I definitely got busier so I didn’t have much time but…

Right now, what’s stopped me from being on it is a mix of quarantine, a body image issue, and commitment issues. This honestly spells disaster for my love life right now. I have problems being comfortable enough with another person to be naked with. Aaaannnddd I have abandonment issues that stem from daddy issues.

I don’t even know what advice I’m looking for, but I’d like to hear your thoughts? Maybe where I can start with getting over this funk 😦

Thank you so much for sending this in. The fact that you’re able to identify the different aspects that you’re struggling with is the first step. I have different issues and anxieties that I struggle with as well, and I know it took me a long, long time to even pinpoint what exactly bothered me and why that is.

The obvious advice here, and what I truly want to emphasize, is therapy. I’m sure it’s something you’ve already thought of or may even be in, but I think absolutely everyone can benefit from therapy—especially someone like you who has the ability to be open and wants to put in the work.

As for other resources that may benefit you, I love following different therapists on Instagram. Lisa Olivera (@lisaoliveratherapy) and Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy (@drlaurenfogelmersy) are two of my favorites. They provide so many prompts for self-reflection and discovery, and it could help provide some more self-care into your daily life. Please note, though, that therapists on Instagram are NOT an alternative for therapy.

I also think you might enjoy the podcast called Why Won’t You Date Me? by comedian Nicole Byer. She’s hilarious and talks about dating every episode, but she also opens up about her abandonment issues. I may be biased because I love her AND I love dating podcasts, but I highly recommend.

Okay. Now that I’ve gotten the responsible advice out of the way, let me tell you what I think. I think you’re incredibly self-reflective and have the ability to identify when you do or don’t want to do something. 

Based on this question, it sounds like you want to get into the dating scene again. Before you said you “stopped feeling the need to be on it”, but that’s not how you feel now. Now what’s stopping you is the quarantine and other personal issues you’ve identified.

Even if the quarantine wasn’t going on right now, my first advice to you would be to say, “Fuck it! Open up Bumble!” Go to your profile, and upload the pictures you feel most confident in. Swipe on one person a day or swipe for a couple hours a day. Do whatever you feel comfortable with. I advise you to start with Bumble specifically because you have full control of who gets to message you. It’s perfectly fine to just swipe on people, and then never message them. It’s perfectly fine to message people once, then never message them again. You are in control, and I want you to remember that. You never, ever, ever have to do anything that you don’t feel comfortable with, ESPECIALLY when it comes to dating.

As for the body image issues, commitment issues and abandonment issues, I get that these feel like they can consume you sometimes, but by just using an app at your own pace, you aren’t setting up anything for the long term. 

Dating can seem paralyzing and scary for so many people because of expectations. I genuinely believe that’s why dating is so difficult, but I don’t think it has to be like that—dating can be and is fun. It took me a long time to fully believe that. Once I moved to Los Angeles, I decided dating was something I was going to do just to meet new people, get a story out of it and discover what I like. I didn’t go into a first date thinking, oh my fxcking god, he’s the ONE. (Okay, maybe sometimes…) It’s better to just ride it out and see what happens, then cross the commitment bridge when you get to it.

For the longest time, I felt like my struggles with commitment and abandonment issues would severely affect my dating life. I lost my dad when I was 17, and a lot of my mental health issues stem from this. I didn’t think I would ever want to commit to someone because I didn’t want to let people in my life become that close to me just to lose them. And now that I have a loving boyfriend, I get so anxious thinking about losing him, as well as my fear of losing my mom. It’s such a horrible, sinking feeling, and I really feel for you. But please, please don’t let your anxieties get in the way of enjoying life.

The past few months, I’ve been getting really panicky at times when I drive. When I’m anxious, I often experience derealization, and I find it gets triggered a lot more while in control of a car. Something about the moving scenery, or the fact that I’ve had a few panic attacks while in a car, who knows. Either way, my brain associates this and puts me on high alert when I drive. I, of course, told my therapist about all this. I wanted answers. What the fuck do I do, quit driving forever? Take an Uber? Have my mom drive me everywhere???

My therapist told me to drive more.

If something (that shouldn’t scare you) scares you, you need to dive in head first and do it. So get into that car (this is a metaphor for logging onto Bumble, I think), and drive. You’re in control. You got this.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.


advice on your hookup getting a girlfriend

Where to start… I’ve recently had a good friend whom I was hooking up with (was this a bad idea? Signs are pointing to yes!) end our sexual relationship in a one-and-done text (I say this because I did not give him the time of day to try and make himself the victim with his explanation) because he started seeing this girl he really likes and now he doesn’t even keep up with me on a friend level. I’ve been ditched altogether and HE would even classify me as a good friend. I know my emotions are not coming from an “I’m hurt and jealous because he likes someone else” place because we are absolutely NOT compatible romantically, only as friends, but I feel kind of used and betrayed. I thought if anything we’d just go back to being friends in a case like this but it feels like now that I serve no purpose to him sexually or emotionally as he can do all of his venting to this girl, I serve no purpose to him. All vert one-sided. As a friend, he’s been in my life for quite some time so I feel like the nostalgia in me is trying to keep him in my life for those reasons, but am I being blind to his trash behaviors? Is it time to let the friendship die or should fight for it? I actually can’t ask any of my other friends about this situation so thx for the box. Be brutal!

Ooh, this is interesting. Very interesting.

What I like about this question is that there are so many questions. Like, what the fuck is this guy’s deal, right? This is a mystery, and I’M Scooby Doo.

There could be so many explanations for why he’s acting this way. The possibilities could be endless. Keyword: could. But I don’t actually think that’s true.

To me, this seems clear: He just really likes this girl. Either he felt he needed to cut you off because you guys have a sexual history, or less likely, she found out you two have a sexual history and she asked him to cut you off. 

Another very possible scenario is he wasn’t even thinking about the fact that you guys have a sexual history. It’s not uncommon for people to get into new relationships and talk to their friends less.

No matter what was going on from his side of it all, I genuinely do not believe he’s trash. It’s rare for me to publicly defend a m*n, but I think he’s just being a shitty friend in general and not a shitty man with trash behaviors.

If you want to revive this friendship, I would reach out to him. You can’t wait on him to make the first friendship move, because odds are he may not even realize he’s doing anything wrong. 

Be honest with him, like you were with me. You don’t have feelings for him and you’re happy for him, but you feel “used and betrayed”. Hopefully this will make him see that he’s kind of sucked lately.

I hope this helps! And after all this, if you reach out to him and he’s still shitty, I was wrong and he’s just trash. In that case, cut him off.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.


advice on questioning your sexuality

I feel I am bisexual but how do I actually know it. I have had, for a fact, attraction to men but when it comes to attraction to women I am not sure if it is something real. I am so confused that, probably sadly, I have not lost my virginity. Help?

Not sadly. Not sadly at all.

I identify as straight, so while I wait for an incredibly insightful friend who identifies as bisexual to give her anonymous advice on this question, I will address the virginity part.

I had sex for the first time when I was 23. I am currently 23. A penis never got near my vaginal opening until, literally, five months ago. I think it’s really bullshit that we are supposed to suddenly be experienced once we have penetrative, penis-in-vagina sex. This is such a heteronormative way of thinking, as if a penis suddenly comes around, and we suddenly are better than we were a mere 10 minutes, if that, before.

I know this isn’t about me, but I’m stalling because my friend still hasn’t texted me back. 

I’ve been playing around with the idea for a year and a half now that I want to be a sex therapist. I made the plunge and applied to grad school in the fall, but withdrew my application because I didn’t want to make a decision at 23 that would put me in debt forever. So this time last year, when I was super excited about the idea and was planning to move back to San Diego from my full-time job and life in Los Angeles to save up some money, I started telling everyone about my plans. And everyone was super excited for me.

Everyone but three people, that is.

I had three people in my life, three people that I hadn’t talked to since college, hear about my plans that I was absolutely thrilled about and ask me, “Wait… aren’t you a virgin? 😂” 

It was demeaning. I didn’t expect anyone to use my sexual history against me in such a cruel way. I mean, if someone announces they’re going to law school or nursing school or literally any other program on the face of the earth, you don’t throw it back at them that they aren’t good enough to pursue their dream because they haven’t had a penis enter their vagina.

And, update, I love penis-in-vagina sex. But that didn’t change who I am and my knowledge on that, or any, subject.

So, fuck that. “Sadly” nothing. You’re capable of understanding who you are and your sexuality, with or without this idea of heteronormative sex.

Now to answer your actual question, because my friend replied to me. Here’s what she said:

I think that I struggled a lot with knowing too. I think I was super cautious because I didn’t want to do anything with women as an “experiment” or whatever because I didn’t want a HUMAN to be an experiment. I know that there are a lot of feelings about people who aren’t sure. And I still haven’t ever been physical with a woman. In fact, I’ve only been on ONE real date with a woman. But I still am very sure of my physical attraction to women without having to “prove it”, I guess. My mom often asks how I can be sure without having really done anything. A lot of my friends have commentary along those lines too, but it’s really just the same way I was sure I was attracted to men.. the way straight identifying people are attracted to their s/o. 

So! With that being said! I also felt unsure for a long time, and that’s okay! I was following someone who identified with being bi on twitter and I had asked her about it. She was really kind and basically said to not worry about labels while you’re trying to figure things out because that might put a lot of pressure on you. 

If you feel attracted to women, you are attracted to women. That doesn’t have to mean anything until you’re ready for it to. And you can take that at your own pace! I switched my dating apps to “everyone” before I was out to more than 2 people. I think that because a) I had no issue swiping and b) I enjoyed talking to women, it did solidify what I thought but it never felt like an “experiment” in an uncomfortable way (like I mentioned before) because it was just genuine conversation. Just like dating apps with men, I didn’t have to flirt if I didn’t want to. It was only talking, there wasn’t any physical piece and realistically, it isn’t anything different. 

I was questioning my sexuality for a LONG time. And this was for a lot of reasons. To list a few: 

1) religious family- what if they “don’t approve”?

2) my friends- are they going to think I’m attracted to them and make it weird? They’re just my friends! I’m not trying to date them!

3) generally, homophobia! Biphobia! 

But looking back, I was questioning for so long because I was questioning if I felt safe or true saying that I identified that way. Not really because I didn’t think I was bi, but because I was worried of what others might think. 

Take it at your own pace, don’t give yourself requirements of how you’re supposed to feel in any situation, and if you’re attracted to women. Ultimately, you get to decide if that means anything else and if you want it to.

Oh my god. Amazing. She deserves to run this website, not me. (Just kidding, it’s MINE!)

But seriously, like she said, you don’t have to and shouldn’t have to put a label on yourself. If you feel comfortable, swipe through women on apps. Do what you want to do when you want to do it.

Take your time. Whether it’s career or sexuality or defining who you are, you don’t need to have it all figured out right now. And don’t let society make you think you should.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.


advice on your boyfriend’s mom talking smack about you

my boyfriend’s mom told him she thinks I’m controlling and said lots of bad things about me because we didn’t want to move cross-country and live in her house. now she wants to act like it never happened, refuses to talk about it ever again, and never apologized!! 

Oh, wow! Okay.

This is probably not reassuring, but this situation is rough.

Before I get into some hopefully okay-ish advice, I want to tell you something my dad always used to say. Origins of this saying, I don’t know. Let’s pretend my dad was its creator.

Two out of 10 people are going to love you, no matter what you do. Two out of 10 people are going to hate you, no matter what you do. And the other six can go either way, depending on how you treat people.

This is a saying I personally don’t want to agree with, because I have an intense and overwhelming need to have everyone love me. I’m definitely the exception to this, I’ve told myself many, many times. (Is that sad?)

But no matter how charming or friendly or funny I think I am, there’s always going to be two people who really just won’t ~vibe~ with me. And that’s something I am continually coming to terms with.

Obviously it’s a lot harder when one of those two is someone that you really want to love you. Case in point: your boyfriend’s mom. I’m sure he means so much to you, and it’s probably so hard to grapple with the fact that someone who literally created him just doesn’t ~vibe~ with you.

Let’s break this down.

You say that she says a lot of bad things about you because you didn’t want to live in her house. Is this the first instance of her being disrespectful towards you? Was the decision to not move in with her solely your decision, or did your boyfriend have a say, too? Was your boyfriend defending you when speaking with her?

Every family dynamic is so different, so I don’t at all want to generalize or make assumptions. But if you haven’t already, I think it would be a good idea to have a conversation with your boyfriend and make sure he’s standing up for you and emphasizing to his mother that this was his decision, too. I can understand being upset, but I can’t understand the blame and the word “controlling” being put onto you if this is something that was clearly both of your decisions. 

Which has me wondering (oh my god, I don’t sound like Carrie Bradshaw, do I…), is moving back with his mother something your boyfriend originally planned to do before you were in the picture?

If so, I would really try to look at it from her side. This is her son, someone she must love very much. If he was away, and she expected him to come back, this could be incredibly hard on her. Not saying it’s right, but maybe she needed someone to put blame on, and you were the easy target.

You said, “now she wants to act like it never happened, refuses to talk about it ever again, and never apologized!!” Again, not saying this is at all the correct way to handle it, but maybe she just wants to move past it all in the only way she knows how. Is she treating you how she did before all this went down? If so, that’s really important to take note of. Maybe all is forgiven on her end.

I don’t blame you for being upset about it. If I were you, I would have an honest conversation with your boyfriend and say how you’re still feeling. What do you want from her—to talk it through? An apology? Decide which, and express that to him. Unless you have a super close relationship with her, which it doesn’t sound like you do, it’s your boyfriend’s responsibility to facilitate that for you and his mother. 

Good luck navigating this tough situation. I commend you! (And if this advice doesn’t work, please don’t be one of my two.)

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.


advice on falling for an emotionally unavailable man

hey girl, what’s up! 

I am falling in love with a man who is emotionally unavailable. I know he cares about me and likes to spend time with me, but he’s 100% not emotionally there. I am so into feeling feelings and it’s a hard adjustment to deal with. It’s hard for me to express myself to him cause he’s so like blah to it all. But I am 100% falling hard:( 

Hi! Thank you for sending in this question.

Every other question I’ve answered, I’ve been like, haha, fuck him! xD But I’m assuming this is someone you’re seriously dating considering the circumstances you’ve described. I did a solid three to five minutes of research on the relationship therapists I follow on Instagram’s pages to get you the best answer I possibly could. I’m now certified and equipped to give you clinical advice. Buckle up.

You’re never going to be able to change someone. You’ve identified that he’s emotionally not there—potentially the result of years of feeling like he can’t show his emotions. You cannot expect him to change, at least not for a while and not because you want him to.

You’re an emotionally expressive person. Own that. Be yourself. If you guys are in a relationship, or even just dating, continue to express your emotions. Tell him what you need using I statements: “I want to express something to you, and it’ll make me feel validated if you (insert what you want here).” If you’re working with him, it’s only fair for him to work with you. A relationship requires give and take. If he isn’t willing to accommodate for you, reconsider if it’s really the right relationship for you to be in.

If you two haven’t yet had a conversation about your feelings on this, you should. What you sent to me was open, honest and centered around how you feel about the situation, and not what he’s doing wrong. I would say to him what you said to me. I know it’s scary because you don’t know if he will be able to express how he’s feeling back to you, but the more vulnerable you are with him, the more safe you will show him it is to be open with each other.

Something else I would highly recommend looking into is the app called “Gottman Card Decks”. Basically Dr. John and Julie Gottman are two psychologists who are married and do hella research on relationships. Not only do I personally stan them, but their methods are heavily used in therapy surrounding romantic and familial relationships. This app specifically is a resource couples can use together to work on their relationship and practice more efficient communication. There are a bunch of different card decks you can go through, like “open-ended questions”, “sex questions to ask”, “expressing needs” and so many more. How this shit is free, I don’t know. It’s such a great resource for every single couple but would be especially beneficial to you.

Good luck! You got this.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.