Author: Alex Piscatelli

I feel I am bisexual but how do I actually know it. I have had, for a fact, attraction to men but when it comes to attraction to women I am not sure if it is something real. I am so confused that, probably sadly, I have not lost my virginity. Help?

Not sadly. Not sadly at all.

I identify as straight, so while I wait for an incredibly insightful friend who identifies as bisexual to give her anonymous advice on this question, I will address the virginity part.

I had sex for the first time when I was 23. I am currently 23. A penis never got near my vaginal opening until, literally, five months ago. I think it’s really bullshit that we are supposed to suddenly be experienced once we have penetrative, penis-in-vagina sex. This is such a heteronormative way of thinking, as if a penis suddenly comes around, and we suddenly are better than we were a mere 10 minutes, if that, before.

I know this isn’t about me, but I’m stalling because my friend still hasn’t texted me back. 

I’ve been playing around with the idea for a year and a half now that I want to be a sex therapist. I made the plunge and applied to grad school in the fall, but withdrew my application because I didn’t want to make a decision at 23 that would put me in debt forever. So this time last year, when I was super excited about the idea and was planning to move back to San Diego from my full-time job and life in Los Angeles to save up some money, I started telling everyone about my plans. And everyone was super excited for me.

Everyone but three people, that is.

I had three people in my life, three people that I hadn’t talked to since college, hear about my plans that I was absolutely thrilled about and ask me, “Wait… aren’t you a virgin? 😂” 

It was demeaning. I didn’t expect anyone to use my sexual history against me in such a cruel way. I mean, if someone announces they’re going to law school or nursing school or literally any other program on the face of the earth, you don’t throw it back at them that they aren’t good enough to pursue their dream because they haven’t had a penis enter their vagina.

And, update, I love penis-in-vagina sex. But that didn’t change who I am and my knowledge on that, or any, subject.

So, fuck that. “Sadly” nothing. You’re capable of understanding who you are and your sexuality, with or without this idea of heteronormative sex.

Now to answer your actual question, because my friend replied to me. Here’s what she said:

I think that I struggled a lot with knowing too. I think I was super cautious because I didn’t want to do anything with women as an “experiment” or whatever because I didn’t want a HUMAN to be an experiment. I know that there are a lot of feelings about people who aren’t sure. And I still haven’t ever been physical with a woman. In fact, I’ve only been on ONE real date with a woman. But I still am very sure of my physical attraction to women without having to “prove it”, I guess. My mom often asks how I can be sure without having really done anything. A lot of my friends have commentary along those lines too, but it’s really just the same way I was sure I was attracted to men.. the way straight identifying people are attracted to their s/o. 

So! With that being said! I also felt unsure for a long time, and that’s okay! I was following someone who identified with being bi on twitter and I had asked her about it. She was really kind and basically said to not worry about labels while you’re trying to figure things out because that might put a lot of pressure on you. 

If you feel attracted to women, you are attracted to women. That doesn’t have to mean anything until you’re ready for it to. And you can take that at your own pace! I switched my dating apps to “everyone” before I was out to more than 2 people. I think that because a) I had no issue swiping and b) I enjoyed talking to women, it did solidify what I thought but it never felt like an “experiment” in an uncomfortable way (like I mentioned before) because it was just genuine conversation. Just like dating apps with men, I didn’t have to flirt if I didn’t want to. It was only talking, there wasn’t any physical piece and realistically, it isn’t anything different. 

I was questioning my sexuality for a LONG time. And this was for a lot of reasons. To list a few: 

1) religious family- what if they “don’t approve”?

2) my friends- are they going to think I’m attracted to them and make it weird? They’re just my friends! I’m not trying to date them!

3) generally, homophobia! Biphobia! 

But looking back, I was questioning for so long because I was questioning if I felt safe or true saying that I identified that way. Not really because I didn’t think I was bi, but because I was worried of what others might think. 

Take it at your own pace, don’t give yourself requirements of how you’re supposed to feel in any situation, and if you’re attracted to women. Ultimately, you get to decide if that means anything else and if you want it to.

Oh my god. Amazing. She deserves to run this website, not me. (Just kidding, it’s MINE!)

But seriously, like she said, you don’t have to and shouldn’t have to put a label on yourself. If you feel comfortable, swipe through women on apps. Do what you want to do when you want to do it.

Take your time. Whether it’s career or sexuality or defining who you are, you don’t need to have it all figured out right now. And don’t let society make you think you should.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.

my boyfriend’s mom told him she thinks I’m controlling and said lots of bad things about me because we didn’t want to move cross-country and live in her house. now she wants to act like it never happened, refuses to talk about it ever again, and never apologized!! 

Oh, wow! Okay.

This is probably not reassuring, but this situation is rough.

Before I get into some hopefully okay-ish advice, I want to tell you something my dad always used to say. Origins of this saying, I don’t know. Let’s pretend my dad was its creator.

Two out of 10 people are going to love you, no matter what you do. Two out of 10 people are going to hate you, no matter what you do. And the other six can go either way, depending on how you treat people.

This is a saying I personally don’t want to agree with, because I have an intense and overwhelming need to have everyone love me. I’m definitely the exception to this, I’ve told myself many, many times. (Is that sad?)

But no matter how charming or friendly or funny I think I am, there’s always going to be two people who really just won’t ~vibe~ with me. And that’s something I am continually coming to terms with.

Obviously it’s a lot harder when one of those two is someone that you really want to love you. Case in point: your boyfriend’s mom. I’m sure he means so much to you, and it’s probably so hard to grapple with the fact that someone who literally created him just doesn’t ~vibe~ with you.

Let’s break this down.

You say that she says a lot of bad things about you because you didn’t want to live in her house. Is this the first instance of her being disrespectful towards you? Was the decision to not move in with her solely your decision, or did your boyfriend have a say, too? Was your boyfriend defending you when speaking with her?

Every family dynamic is so different, so I don’t at all want to generalize or make assumptions. But if you haven’t already, I think it would be a good idea to have a conversation with your boyfriend and make sure he’s standing up for you and emphasizing to his mother that this was his decision, too. I can understand being upset, but I can’t understand the blame and the word “controlling” being put onto you if this is something that was clearly both of your decisions. 

Which has me wondering (oh my god, I don’t sound like Carrie Bradshaw, do I…), is moving back with his mother something your boyfriend originally planned to do before you were in the picture?

If so, I would really try to look at it from her side. This is her son, someone she must love very much. If he was away, and she expected him to come back, this could be incredibly hard on her. Not saying it’s right, but maybe she needed someone to put blame on, and you were the easy target.

You said, “now she wants to act like it never happened, refuses to talk about it ever again, and never apologized!!” Again, not saying this is at all the correct way to handle it, but maybe she just wants to move past it all in the only way she knows how. Is she treating you how she did before all this went down? If so, that’s really important to take note of. Maybe all is forgiven on her end.

I don’t blame you for being upset about it. If I were you, I would have an honest conversation with your boyfriend and say how you’re still feeling. What do you want from her—to talk it through? An apology? Decide which, and express that to him. Unless you have a super close relationship with her, which it doesn’t sound like you do, it’s your boyfriend’s responsibility to facilitate that for you and his mother. 

Good luck navigating this tough situation. I commend you! (And if this advice doesn’t work, please don’t be one of my two.)

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.

hey girl, what’s up! 

I am falling in love with a man who is emotionally unavailable. I know he cares about me and likes to spend time with me, but he’s 100% not emotionally there. I am so into feeling feelings and it’s a hard adjustment to deal with. It’s hard for me to express myself to him cause he’s so like blah to it all. But I am 100% falling hard:( 

Hi! Thank you for sending in this question.

Every other question I’ve answered, I’ve been like, haha, fuck him! xD But I’m assuming this is someone you’re seriously dating considering the circumstances you’ve described. I did a solid three to five minutes of research on the relationship therapists I follow on Instagram’s pages to get you the best answer I possibly could. I’m now certified and equipped to give you clinical advice. Buckle up.

You’re never going to be able to change someone. You’ve identified that he’s emotionally not there—potentially the result of years of feeling like he can’t show his emotions. You cannot expect him to change, at least not for a while and not because you want him to.

You’re an emotionally expressive person. Own that. Be yourself. If you guys are in a relationship, or even just dating, continue to express your emotions. Tell him what you need using I statements: “I want to express something to you, and it’ll make me feel validated if you (insert what you want here).” If you’re working with him, it’s only fair for him to work with you. A relationship requires give and take. If he isn’t willing to accommodate for you, reconsider if it’s really the right relationship for you to be in.

If you two haven’t yet had a conversation about your feelings on this, you should. What you sent to me was open, honest and centered around how you feel about the situation, and not what he’s doing wrong. I would say to him what you said to me. I know it’s scary because you don’t know if he will be able to express how he’s feeling back to you, but the more vulnerable you are with him, the more safe you will show him it is to be open with each other.

Something else I would highly recommend looking into is the app called “Gottman Card Decks”. Basically Dr. John and Julie Gottman are two psychologists who are married and do hella research on relationships. Not only do I personally stan them, but their methods are heavily used in therapy surrounding romantic and familial relationships. This app specifically is a resource couples can use together to work on their relationship and practice more efficient communication. There are a bunch of different card decks you can go through, like “open-ended questions”, “sex questions to ask”, “expressing needs” and so many more. How this shit is free, I don’t know. It’s such a great resource for every single couple but would be especially beneficial to you.

Good luck! You got this.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.