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advice

advice on mixed signals from a Bumble match

Matched with this dude on bumble like 5 months ago and I had no interest in really pursuing anything because I found out he didn’t live in the area and actually across the country, but he kept trying to pursue me and give me words of affirmation and was just very sweet. I’m not gonna lie, I fucking loved the attention and hype. He told me I was the only one he was talking to and that anytime he got a message from me, it made his day and he smiled. We talked every single day and he would always wish me a good morning and night which is like so little, but the littlest of things were such a fucking turn on. We ended up turning things virtual like sexting before we ever met and then we finally met up like a month after talking and it was pretty cool and fun. Then like a month later, he visited like 3 hours away but I was busy, and couldn’t just drop everything and drive up to meet with him. He just kinda started to become distant and one worded so I felt like the roles were switched between us with me now texting or snapping everyday and him just responding. Then he got good again like a month later and actually confessed he liked me, but then became distant again. I was getting irritated of this and I told him that that I was getting annoyed and he said don’t get annoyed and started to communicate again. Then just for “fun”, I checked my bumble app again and this dude had his fucking bio changed!!!! (Multiple times I might add) After telling me that I was the only one he was talking to. I finally confronted him over the phone this past week and he said it’s not me and that he is being distant with everyone in his life and to still consistently send him snaps and texts. (I actually have not been sending him any snaps or texts and have given him his “space”). I just don’t know what to fucking do at this point because he told me this last week he doesn’t want anything and he isn’t looking for anything, which is opposite to what he told me like 5 months ago. I’m trying to honestly get over him even though he told me to keep sending him snaps and texts (though he doesn’t even respond to my snaps anymore like what the fuuuuuck) and it’s hard because i keep trying to resist the urge to snap him something in my daily life because I have been so accustomed to him and showing him my life everyday. This is just hard and I just wanted to express this anonymously because I haven’t been able to express this to anyone in all honesty. I just want to know what I should do about this because I feel like I am not appreciated the way that I should be or was in the beginning with him and the way that I hype him up and try to uplift his thoughts everyday and be positive. Any advice is welcome and I apologize this is sooo long!! Thank you in advance! 

Thank you for making this long! I love details and LOTS OF THEM. I need to feel like I, too, am part of your relationship. This was perfect. Never apologize.

I want to share with you something that changed my outlook on dating. It’s so cliche, and it’s so simple, yet it’s always true. Always. I might fuck up the quote, but here it goes:

You’ll know if they’re interested in you. If you’re confused, they don’t.

I don’t know. Something like that.

Anyway, I spent 23 years of my life (my first crush was at 4, so I guess technically… 19 years?) being confused in the dating scene. In high school, a guy only wanted to text and not hang out in person. Confused. In college, a guy constantly flirted with me in person, but wouldn’t text me. Confused. Last year, a guy who I thought really liked me based on our first date just didn’t do either. Confused.

You see a common theme here?

No matter how much someone texts you or flirts with you or seemingly pursues you, if you’re confused, there’s a 99.9999 percent chance they just aren’t invested.

Merriam-Webster defines mixed signals as “a showing of thoughts or feelings that are very different from each other.” 

Yes, he’s telling you you’re the only one. But he’s active on Bumble. Yes, he told you to keep communicating with him. But he won’t reciprocate. Yes, he’s giving you attention. But only when it’s convenient for him.

He’s sus. I don’t know the circumstances in which you guys matched on Bumble, but my gut is telling me if he frequently travels to different cities, which it sounds like he does, then this is common for him. 

I’m willing to bet money you’re not the only person he’s talking to long distance.

This guy’s just bored and horny. Which, same. But if you are already in your feelings about him, I would cut it off.

If you’re able to separate this idealistic version of him that you have in your head from who he actually is, I don’t see a problem in continuing to message him. Like I said, bored and horny. We’re all feeling it. But please be honest with yourself and don’t continue to have him in your life if you’re going to want something more.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.

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advice

advice on hooking up with your best friend

I drunkenly hooked up with one of my best friends by accident, but now I can’t stop thinking about him?? or maybe it’s the quarantine that’s getting to me lol HELP ME COMPREHEND 

Congrats on the hook up! That’s exciting stuff.

This is really hard for me to fully break down, because I don’t have many details. 

Who initiated the hookup? What do you mean “by accident”? Had you been interested in him prior to the hookup? How good of a friend is he? Do you like his personality? Was the hookup good???

I have more questions than answers (and I really want these answers!!! Tea!!!!), but I’ll answer as best as I possibly can.

After hooking up with someone, it is completely normal to be in your feelings about them. This guy is one of your best friends, so that’s especially going to complicate the situation. However, based on you sending in this question and the details of the situation, I would say there’s more than just typical after-hooking-up feelings.

Think about it: How many best friends do you have that you’ve never hooked up with? Exactly. You and this guy hooked up for a reason, I’m assuming.

Again, I don’t have the answers for you. Here’s what I can recommend:

  1. Journal about the situation. If you’re confused about your feelings on it and especially your feelings about him, this could be a great way to get everything off your mind and out into the world, in a safe place. 
  2. Once you’ve decided how you feel about the situation, talk to him about it. Do you want to just remain friends? Then you HAVE to address it. Do you want to be something more? Then you HAVE to address it. It’s only going to make your relationship more complicated and less comfortable if you don’t talk it through with him.
  3. Send me more details. PLEASE!

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.

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advice

advice on losing your job and relationship at the same time

Alex hewwo 😦 This week has basically been the worst ever for me. Like ever. So on Monday I received news that I’d be laid off from my job. And tonite, me and my boyfriend of four months, whom I actually did love, just broke up (it was a long time coming I suppose). Long story short it was due to his unavailability and overall lack of drive to do even the most basic relationship-y things and think longterm. I’m pretty heartbroken. To make things worse he was my first real boyfriend (with the title, I mean). Anyways I’m super depressed and sad. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this all considering the lockdown especially because I live alone and shit gets sad. I need advice on how u would deal w and honestly just some encouraging words. Plus I know you’ll make me laugh! Anyways yes keep doing what ur doing 💕

I’m bumping this one to the TOP of my inbox, because I think this one is so important to address as soon as I possibly could. I wanted to answer it last night when I got it, but my boyfriend made me watch Nacho Libre with him. I fell asleep to it. That’s beside the point.

Thank you so much for writing in. It takes a lot to be vulnerable about stuff like this, and I appreciate you trusting me to give you advice on this. 

First, your job. God, that’s so difficult and hard and awful. I think the most important thing you need to note is that this decision had absolutely nothing to do with you or your work ethic. I know it’s easy to blame yourself and run through different scenarios, but the truth of the matter is, we’re in a pandemic. I don’t know how your workplace was, but I’m sure they fought to keep you and ultimately had to make the very difficult call.

It sucks, it REALLY sucks, but it might help to know how many other people are getting laid off at this time. I’ve seen the most talented and hardworking people I know, whether they tell me personally or I see it on Instagram or LinkedIn, get laid off. You’re among some other greats. 

Take this time to give yourself a break. Maybe create just for the sake of creating. Or don’t! Listen to your body and do what she needs to do.

Second, your relationship. God, I’m so sorry. Let me relate as best as I can.

I got my first actual boyfriend at the beginning of junior year of college. It was such a wild thing, because I had never liked someone and actually had them… like me back? Weird! I was so fascinated with the process that I probably became obsessed with love and dating after that. Oops.

Anyway, we became official, and for a while, it felt so good. I had someone who thought of me when they woke up, and thought of me when they fell asleep. He sent me texts throughout the day. He wanted to spend his free time with me. I mean, how cool, right?!

I had someone to go on dates with. I had someone to watch movies with. I had someone to cuddle and kiss and show affection to. 

Honestly, it felt so good.

Until it didn’t.

I was so clouded by a romanticized version of him, that I had no idea what our relationship actually was like. We fought all the time. I didn’t feel like I could talk to him. Honestly, hanging out with him? Not that fun. Didn’t feel that comfortable. I much preferred my friends, but I just thought I had to spend all this time with him because he was my boyfriend.

One day, he broke up with me. (In the fucking Love Library at San Diego State, mind you. I mean, what the actual fuck?) 

God, I hadn’t expected it. Even though I really should have, I hadn’t. And I cried. A LOT. I even wrote a 2,000-word memoir about our relationship (that you can read here) and emailed it to him despite all my friends strongly advising me not to. (I was like, fuck y’all, this is all I HAVE, and did it anyway. I don’t regret it.)

It took a few days of crying, with some more weeks feeling sad, and then I was, well… fine? 

I was able to look back and realize I was NOT meant to be with him. There was infinitely more bad than good in our relationship. I really just loved the idea of him and the idea that I was that girl in a relationship.

Every relationship is different, and I’m sure yours was more happy and serious than mine was. 

I know you love him, but one day you’ll love him for showing you everything you didn’t want in a relationship.

You asked me how I would deal with all this. I would cry. (A lot, but that’s just me.) I would allow myself time to grieve. I would write down my feelings. I would watch movies and shows that make me feel safe and comfortable. I would reach out to friends and family and force myself to get some social interaction. I would sleep as much as I needed to, but I would make sure I go outside and get sunlight. And, honestly, I would get on dating apps as a funny distraction. Because men are insane.

I hope this helps, even if only a little. Please know you can always, always, ALWAYS reach out to me if you need it.

P.S. I know who sent this in.

And I just want to tell you what an incredible person you are.

I know this is such a hard time, but you’re talented and sincere and intelligent and amazing. Allow yourself time to grieve. You will get through this.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.

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advice

advice on a quarantined coworker crush

Ok so! I kinda have a crush on this guy at my work but with this whole quarantine thing I’m probably not going to see this guy until summer or whenever this settles down. He trained me way back in December and kinda flirted with me but never really did anything so I kinda left it alone. During training We were making jokes and so I said “oh let’s make our own club” and he said that “oh our club should be that we hang out and listen to music  together” and then just a bunch of things like that that make me think he kinda likes me back?? Idk this man literally shook my hand and looked me in the eyes and brought me my uniform all folded up 🥺He always acts a bit strange around me but lately he’s been really goofy and shy and idk what to think?? He’s so nice and goofy and CUTE , he even took the time to show me all the things for the job and didn’t write me up when he could’ve lol. Idk we are friends on Facebook ( I friended him) lol and I was debating sending a message out to just be like hey I like you or whatever. I don’t like waiting around but I don’t know life is short. What should I do? 

Before I make this about you, I want to make this about me. 

I’m jealous. Work crushes are so incredible. I’ve never actually had one, but I’ve always really wanted one. It seems like it’d make work really fun! You’re getting paid to do your job AND to be cute!!!! Ugh, what a dream.

Okay, okay. Back to you.

I was debating making this one really short, and just making it like, “Message him. The end.” But that would be mean, and I get what it feels like to have a crush and want to run through scenarios. And also, what else do I have better to do? We’re in a global pandemic for crying out loud.

Scenario I: You don’t message him

This one isn’t going to happen. I’m not going to let you make this one happen. But let’s run through it.

You don’t message him, and instead wait to talk and flirt with him again when you guys are back together in person for work. 

Not to make this grim, because that’s the exact opposite of what I’m trying to do with this website, but we don’t know how long it’ll be before we’re able to, you know, leave our houses. June? July? The fall? Next year?

Do you really want to go that long just thinking about him and not taking any action?

Moving on.

Scenario II: You message him, and he doesn’t reply

Fuck it. You message him. Instead of sitting there just thinking about him, because I know you are (and I don’t blame you, what the fuck else would you being doing?), you send him a Facebook message.

You keep looking at your phone for a notification from him that never comes. 

That day and the next one, maybe you’re a little embarrassed. Maybe you’re sad. He’s so nice and goofy at work, why didn’t he reply? Does he not like me?

Maybe he doesn’t check Facebook often. Maybe he’s going through a hard time. Or maybe, just maybe, he isn’t interested.

Another day passes. You think about it again, and maybe you’re still hurt.

Another day passes. And another. And one more, just to be safe.

And guess what? It doesn’t hurt so bad anymore. You start to forget about it. 

Now you no longer have to sit there and wonder what if?

Scenario III: You message him, and he replies

Fuck it. You message him. Instead of sitting there just thinking about him, because I know you are (and I don’t blame you, what the fuck else would you being doing?), you send him a Facebook message.

You keep looking at your phone for a notification from him and— oh my fucking god, he REPLIED. YES. YESSSSSS. 

You two message back and forth. You get to know each other. The conversation gets flirty. And you, dare I say it… fall in love?

Ahead of myself? Okay. Whatever. All I meant by this scenario is he definitely could and probably would reply, then we can run through new scenarios from there. Just submit a new advice question to me.

So you’ve decided to message him. (At least, you better have.)

I know it’s scary to send a first message, so I’ve compiled a list of things you can send to him, ranging from casual to clearly-wanna-fxck level.

  1. Hey, how are you? : )
  2. Hey! I miss seeing you around work. How are you? : )
  3. Hey! I was thinking about you and wanted to reach out. How are you? : )
  4. Hey! I miss seeing you around work and wanted to reach out. How are you? : )
  5. Hey! Funny story… I like you. How’s quarantine treating you? : )
  6. Hey! I might be in love with you. : ) Wanna get married when this is over?

My last couple aren’t actually serious, but do with this what you will. 

Moral of the story is reach out and say ANYTHING. We’re all just chasing excitement here, and I guarantee he will be happy to hear from you, even if just as a friend.

Keep me updated!

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.

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advice

advice on being in love with a guy with a girlfriend

I have been in love with this guy for a year and half. It’s complicated because when I met him I was basically dating his friend and then realized that he was basically my soulmate but he also had a girlfriend in the friend group. They broke up this summer but he immediately started dating his co worker. I don’t get to see him as much as I’d like but one night we saw eachother and we basically admited and told each other we’ve always had feelings for eachother. Since then we text here and there, I think it’s his attempt to keep in touch, but since he’s not single still it’s hard because he works with the girl he’s dating. I know he sounds like a douche or something but he’s actually a really sweet guy and the situation he is in is a lot more difficult than it sounds because of all of the people involved. I know I should probably just tell him how I feel and I have deeply considered the possibility that I’m obsessed with someone I don’t have but the reality is I know that i can’t help how I feel and he is one of the most special amazing humans I’ve ever met.. what should I do?

You’re going to hate my response. I’m so sorry in advance. You’re really, really going to hate what I’m about to say.

Let me start by telling you a story, so you can better understand why I have the opinion I have.

Hi, my name is Alex. And once upon a time, I had a guy that at the time, I knew in my heart was my soulmate. He was one of my good, good friends. I met him sophomore year of high school, and our friendship stood the test of time, between going to college and living in different cities.

He and I would often FaceTime, and ALWAYS hung out when we were both in the same town. And, god, everytime we hung out, it was like no time had passed. He made me laugh and feel really good, and I felt like I had a connection with him like no other. I could talk to him about anything and everything.

Except for my feelings about him.

I was so scared to tell him. In my heart, I felt we were meant to be, but distance or timing or something was always keeping us apart.

Then one day, we got drunk together.

It was his 21st birthday, and he was back home for a week to celebrate with friends. And celebrate, we did. I got drunk, and everyone got drunk, and it was a mess. His parents got him a hotel room for the night, so we all ended the night together there. 

That’s when he asked me if we could go for a walk.

It started out innocent enough. We were just talking and laughing as usual. Then he said to me, “You know I’ve always had feelings for you, right?”

Wait… what?

I think I made him repeat and clarify what he meant. No, I didn’t fucking know. I knew I had feelings for HIM, but I didn’t know it was so reciprocated. 

I’ll spare you all the details, but we kissed and slept together in a bed, and it was all pretty PG.

So the next day, I’m like… holy fuck. That happened, you guys. What the fuck? Am I… am I getting married?

That day went by, and I never heard from my good ole friend. Another day went by, and I didn’t hear from my pal. Another day went by, and… am I being ghosted? By him, of all people? What the FUCK?

And, holy fuck. Even as I type this again, I can’t believe it’s real. Please buckle up for what I’m about to say.

A few days after, with almost ZERO communication from him in between, I decided to go to Pacific Beach with some friends. So there I am, at the crowded but reliable PB Shore Club, and I’m at the bar waiting to get a drink. I’m soaking in everything around me. You know, just vibin’. People watchin’. That’s when I spot him.

That’s right. My friend, the guy who admitted he “always” had feelings for me just days before, then proceeded to act like I didn’t exist. There he was, snuggled up with his high school girlfriend. 

I’m not here to talk about how long I drunkenly cried that night. I’m not here to talk about how I wrote about this ordeal in my not-so anonymous dating blog, causing him to get mad at me. I’m not here to talk about how we haven’t talked since, even though I thought he was one of my best friends. I’m not even here to talk about how he got back together with his high school girlfriend and is still with her to this day, causing me to believe he wanted to just fuck around with my feelings before getting back in a relationship.

I’m here to tell you: Fuck this guy. He doesn’t like you.

I know you are analyzing everything about your relationship with him. And I know there are signs he likes you and signs he cares about you. I’m not denying that.

But he has a girlfriend. If he wanted to be with you, he would. It sounds so cliche, and I know it’s the last thing you want to hear, but I would be doing such a disservice to you if I sat here and worked through different scenarios with you on why he isn’t pursuing you.

He’s not interested. He’s with someone else. He’s with someone else for a reason.

Listen, I’m clearly still somewhat bitter and hurt about my personal situation, because I never thought anyone, let alone a good friend, would intentionally hurt me so badly. But he certainly wasn’t my soulmate.

My soulmate would love me. My soulmate would never hurt me. And my soulmate would choose me every single time.

And guess what? He does. I found him. And my heart never would have been open to him if I never had a clear ending with that other fucker.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.

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advice

advice on sleeping with a recently divorced coworker

I’ve been sleeping with a coworker (no one at work knows) since October who is recently divorced, 13 years older than me, and I think he has a girlfriend on east coast…but the sex is too good to stop lol

Wow. Okay. Wow. Did I say wow? I’m shaking.

I needed to take a breather, drink some water and eat before addressing this one. I’m serious.

First and foremost, how the fuck do you manage to keep secrets? I’ve never been able to keep a secret in my entire life, ESPECIALLY from coworkers. You’re amazing. I applaud you.

I really have an intense and overwhelming desire to know how this began. Were there always flirtations between the two of you, even before his divorce? Does he seem 13 years older? Oh my god. This is incredible. Please be on my podcast.

Okay. God, there’s so many different things I want to say, but my brain is going all over the place. This is some TEA. Thank you. I mean it.

You say you think he has a girlfriend. How sure is this, and why do you think that is? I would, of course, encourage you to do the ethical thing and not continue hooking up with someone who has a girlfriend, but also, you don’t know for sure. So this may not be the biggest issue here.

Instead, the issue may be (and almost ALWAYS is) the man himself.

This guy is recently divorced, and started hooking up with his 13-years-junior coworker. This guy is recently divorced, and already potentially has a girlfriend on the east coast. This guy is recently divorced, and is balancing two people as well as god knows how many others on the side?

I don’t know how hard good sex is to come by, because I have only had sex with one man, and it happens to be beyond fantastic. But I would imagine you can find good sex elsewhere, right? And even if you can’t find it with another human being soon, there are toys for that.

Live your life, but seriously. I mean it. Fuck this guy. Metaphorically, of course.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.

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advice

advice on missing an Australian bae

Lol hi okay so I was seeing this Australian guy for 6 weeks while he was working in LA for awards season. And well — he moved back to Australia lol. That’s a lot in itself. I’ve never felt the way i did with him w/anyone & now I’m sad in quarantine missing him lmao

I mean, wow. I have so many questions. This is incredible. This needs to be a movie. Why are you contacting me and not Hallmark?

But thank you for being my first ever respondent to my desperate plea for drama. It is very appreciated over here.

Okay, first things first. I think you need to be realistic and assess how your relationship currently stands. Are you guys still talking? How often? And how are you guys communicating? Is it still flirty, but with purpose? Or is it flirty because it’s fun to be flirty?

Let me explain. I used to find myself in a conundrum often in which I would meet a guy from a dating app who happened to be just in town for the holidays or who happened to be visiting from Chicago or who happened to be moving to Colorado to join a minor league baseball team. (Not bitter. It’s fine. Really.)

In each of these three examples, I hooked up with the guy on the first night I met them. (Not slutty. Women’s empowerment. Leave me alone.) And then, even though we were in different cities, I continued talking to them. And we flirted. A LOT. And I believed we could, and would, begin a relationship.

And I got my hopes up.

It’s human nature to want what you can’t have. I truly believe in all three of those cases, I probably wouldn’t have invited them over on the first date if they lived in the same city as me. I probably wouldn’t have caught feelings so quick, and I probably wouldn’t have believed I could have a relationship with them. Instead, I loved the excitement and the thrill of it all. I flirted with all of them, yes, and they flirted with me, but it wasn’t really ever going to be anything more serious.

Listen, Desiring-Australian-Bae, it could be different for you. Stranger things have happened. My experience is NOT your experience. But I think you really need to assess if this could be more serious for the both of you, or if you both knew he would be going back to Australia and THAT’S why the connection was so strong.

I would advise you to have a serious conversation with him if you don’t want to get your hopes up. If you guys do have potential to be something more, you have to look at the bright side of it all.

  1. He’s AUSTRALIAN. That’s amazing.
  2. If he was here in the states for award’s season, he could be back again, right?
  3. He has an Australian accent. Ugh, I’m really thrilled for you.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Because you have an international potential love. And that’s HOT.

Submit your anonymous questions/stories here.

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blog

I’m bored and want to give you advice

Hi! My name is Alex, and I like drama.

That’s really all you need to know about me, but I guess I can explain more. I, like you, am stuck at home with nothing to do. I currently do not really have a job, and I’m an extreme extrovert with a lot of friends that I miss very much. The only thing getting me by at this time is Zoom parties and telling everyone about my discovery of FaceTime sex.

I decided to post on Instagram stories asking for people to tell me about their love life, and people DELIVERED. Some people were happy and quarantined with the love of their life, which is fantastic I suppose, but some tidbits I got were JUICY. Which inspired me. Why don’t I ask people to send me their anonymous dating stories for advice? Plus, people are going to spill even MORE tea when it’s anonymous. Right? (Please, for the love of GOD.)

I got, like, eight submissions so I decided to make a website. Welcome. I will be posting all my advice here. You can send in your anonymous dating/sex/relationship questions/stories/tea on this form.